Why is it every time I see a person, a thing, or find someone who acts like/reminds me of my ex, I instantly make a disgusted face and cannot find any sympathy for them? Am I really that bitter?
Like I told my counselor, I think once my baby is born and I can sort out all the shit involved, I will feel better. I can stop worrying or fretting. Still being pregnant and not knowing if he's going to show up out of the blue at some point or something makes me a nervous wreck inside. I feel it like a shadow hanging over my head. I just want to stop feeling that way.
I feel truly terrible. Mainly because a guy I would never have come across in a million years most likely had posted something about going to go kill himself which was reblogged by someone I follow, and I looked at his blog and he reminded me so much of my ex. I spent a few minutes trying to confirm it was not him. I feel bad because I have no sympathy, or very little of it. I certainly do not want the guy to die, and I sincerely hope he has help. But there was an instant of me simply feeling bitterness because he reminded me excessively of my ex. That's not fair of me to do, and I feel horrible that I still have this resentment. I'm certain it will eventually go away.
I think if I had some means of venting effectively or getting some sort of solid closure, I would feel better. I know closure is a myth, and as long as I have to have any sort of contact with my ex, I can't fully let go of how I feel. I am no saint by any means, but I feel so wronged in a lot of ways and I feel I need some kind of justice.
Again, my heart goes out to that guy. I hope he gets help and doesn't actually die.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Last night was the first presidential debate for the 2012 election. Lately, with the embrace of feminism and the realization of how important it is to know about politics, I've been trying to follow this election as well as possible. In general, politics are a great source of disagreement and conflict between individuals as well as the main two parties.
The debate was not disappointing so much as simply not expected or what was desired on the part of issues. True, I would have liked to hear more that affect women personally, the middle class, the minorities that Romney inadvertently threw under the bus at the private fundraiser because these places were definite places of hypocrisy, along with immigration and same-sex marriage. Hopefully, with the other debates coming up, more of these things will become topics and perhaps we'll have a more assertive moderator. (Nothing against Jim Lehrer; Romney was on some kind of caffeine or something)
I personally don't like assigning myself to one party or another. It feels limiting (fuck boundaries!)
I lean towards the Liberal/Democrat side, and the majority of the Conservative/Republican side I can't logically associate with. Our country has pretty much resigned itself to the two-party system, so third-parties don't get as much attention, promotion, or opportunities to participate. Honestly, I couldn't tell you more than one third-party candidate. I'm not proud of it, but again, the third-parties aren't household names, and I only follow politics as I see them. (What? I'm busy...don't judge me!)
Anyway, I'm not sure if we'll have much in the way of third-party voting options. I do think our system is heavily flawed, and it is a shame we continuously follow a two-party system that truly limits our abilities as a nation and as a politically savvy population.We're more of a band-wagon mentality, and limited by our own personal limitations. It's easy to vocalize our dissatisfaction, but hard to act upon it.
I personally don't care who you vote for as long as you vote. True, our system is flawed, but we (especially women and minorities) fought for the right to vote, we fought for freedom, and so on.
The debate was not disappointing so much as simply not expected or what was desired on the part of issues. True, I would have liked to hear more that affect women personally, the middle class, the minorities that Romney inadvertently threw under the bus at the private fundraiser because these places were definite places of hypocrisy, along with immigration and same-sex marriage. Hopefully, with the other debates coming up, more of these things will become topics and perhaps we'll have a more assertive moderator. (Nothing against Jim Lehrer; Romney was on some kind of caffeine or something)
I personally don't like assigning myself to one party or another. It feels limiting (fuck boundaries!)
I lean towards the Liberal/Democrat side, and the majority of the Conservative/Republican side I can't logically associate with. Our country has pretty much resigned itself to the two-party system, so third-parties don't get as much attention, promotion, or opportunities to participate. Honestly, I couldn't tell you more than one third-party candidate. I'm not proud of it, but again, the third-parties aren't household names, and I only follow politics as I see them. (What? I'm busy...don't judge me!)
Anyway, I'm not sure if we'll have much in the way of third-party voting options. I do think our system is heavily flawed, and it is a shame we continuously follow a two-party system that truly limits our abilities as a nation and as a politically savvy population.We're more of a band-wagon mentality, and limited by our own personal limitations. It's easy to vocalize our dissatisfaction, but hard to act upon it.
I personally don't care who you vote for as long as you vote. True, our system is flawed, but we (especially women and minorities) fought for the right to vote, we fought for freedom, and so on.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
An Ode To Idiotic Classmates
I think my last post was a bit more personal than I intended. No, it definitely was. Of course, only people who were involved or who I have shared more personal details would instantly understand, or at least understand who I am referring to. Whether or not they truly understand what is being expressed is another story.
Today is the third class I have. Granted, by week standards it is the second, but since I started classes last week, my true first day was Friday. Yesterday was my second class. Overall, I enjoyed it. It was mostly computer use, and getting to demonstrate that I have no life and love to play with computers and formatting things like written documents and make slideshows (I always feel like I'm the only one who loves Powerpoint). There is one guy in that class, and the one I had Friday, who I've pretty much decided is an idiot and needs to stay away from me. My computer was being a punk, and he, without asking or at least being courteous, came up and began clicking my mouse as if I were the one responsible for the school's shitty computer. Hey, I know I'm not Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, but I think it's a stretch to 1) act like you know more about everything than anyone else, and 2) to invade my personal space so brutishly. Ew. (Plus, bad teeth...major major pet peeve of mine)
I sincerely hope he doesn't think he's my friend or something. If he touches my computer mouse again, I will say something. Perhaps that will make a bitch or what-have-you in the eyes of my classmates, but hey, if they want to dismiss me for being rightly upset over something (and also, I do have anxiety about people touching me or my tools) then that is there problem. I'm not there to be everyone's friend. I'm there to learn and set up a decent means of financial security for my baby and myself.
That all being said, I'm considering taking my copy of Full Frontal Feminism to class today. Not to make a point or anything, but because I do want to reread it. Should my classmates interpret that as a statement, well that's really just their insecurity projecting, no?
Feminism is a scary thing, especially for people that are afraid to entertain the fact that the way they perceive the world around them might be wrong. Considering we are going into a field about criminal sciences, I believe it's crucial to be open-minded enough to challenge yourself as well as others. I've had to check my privileges in the attempts to understand the other issues that do not personally affect me (homophobic and racist things) and to reconsider the things I have casually said or done in the past that is actually wrong.
I know, I'm rambling.
The presidential debate is tomorrow! The anticipation is crazy!
Today is the third class I have. Granted, by week standards it is the second, but since I started classes last week, my true first day was Friday. Yesterday was my second class. Overall, I enjoyed it. It was mostly computer use, and getting to demonstrate that I have no life and love to play with computers and formatting things like written documents and make slideshows (I always feel like I'm the only one who loves Powerpoint). There is one guy in that class, and the one I had Friday, who I've pretty much decided is an idiot and needs to stay away from me. My computer was being a punk, and he, without asking or at least being courteous, came up and began clicking my mouse as if I were the one responsible for the school's shitty computer. Hey, I know I'm not Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, but I think it's a stretch to 1) act like you know more about everything than anyone else, and 2) to invade my personal space so brutishly. Ew. (Plus, bad teeth...major major pet peeve of mine)
I sincerely hope he doesn't think he's my friend or something. If he touches my computer mouse again, I will say something. Perhaps that will make a bitch or what-have-you in the eyes of my classmates, but hey, if they want to dismiss me for being rightly upset over something (and also, I do have anxiety about people touching me or my tools) then that is there problem. I'm not there to be everyone's friend. I'm there to learn and set up a decent means of financial security for my baby and myself.
That all being said, I'm considering taking my copy of Full Frontal Feminism to class today. Not to make a point or anything, but because I do want to reread it. Should my classmates interpret that as a statement, well that's really just their insecurity projecting, no?
Feminism is a scary thing, especially for people that are afraid to entertain the fact that the way they perceive the world around them might be wrong. Considering we are going into a field about criminal sciences, I believe it's crucial to be open-minded enough to challenge yourself as well as others. I've had to check my privileges in the attempts to understand the other issues that do not personally affect me (homophobic and racist things) and to reconsider the things I have casually said or done in the past that is actually wrong.
I know, I'm rambling.
The presidential debate is tomorrow! The anticipation is crazy!
Monday, October 1, 2012
I Really Should Be Sleeping
I know for a fact that I think way more about everything than I should. Interests that range from politics to science to pop culture to baked goods inspire strong emotions no matter what (I'm a very emotional person). I do really need to sleep, since I have class later today, and I should get there fairly early so I can see about getting my student I.D. and everything. Anyway, while this is somewhat personal, this is mostly an expression of thoughts. Then again, every post is an expression of thoughts, but I always feel better when I get thoughts out of my head and put them somewhere else, be it a blog engine or a notebook.
The dissolution of my last romantic relationship, while painful in a strange way, offered the catalyst to get my shit together and prevail, solidifying my stance as a feminist and giving me some keys to understanding myself where I didn't really before. In the interest of avoiding personal backlash, I will not offer the gritty details of my relationship with my ex, but I think it bears some thought. Truth be told, I revisit that entire scenario, abstractedly and directly, more often than I would like. As it plays a strong role in my current situation, and it was only about two months ago that I terminated the relationship, I suppose it is understandable that many things remind me of what happened. Things have gotten better.
One of the things that I've examined, though not extensively, is why I have not experienced a heartbreak. I believe the reason is that the relationship was rough in itself, to the point where I was in a state of perpetual heartbreak. I felt horribly. The world was crumbling around me, to the point where death was an appealing escape route. I'm not sure why I felt the way I did, except that my boyfriend and his friend were treating me horribly, attempting to break me in some way. Yes, that's it. Especially the friend.
I was being subjected to some weird mind control (which I know sounds horrifyingly insane, but sadly, I believe pretty much every form of abuse is a means of breaking someone and molding them into something more malleable) and I was letting it happen. Granted, emotional abuse, especially "gaslighting", is very subtle. Someone skilled enough at manipulating can easily twist things and make a person believe that he/she is truly whatever the manipulating party wants said person to believe. My ex was/is very passive-aggressive, and though he resisted on some level, he also did not stand up for me when I needed support. Of course, I believe he has some very strong misogynistic beliefs. He truly seems to think women are not people but body parts for him to use.
In a way, perhaps the love of structure in one part of my mind and the personal internal chaos residing in the other were able to find some common ground and work to resist what was happening. The anxiety and depression perhaps serve some greater purpose, some helpful purpose, instead of simply being obstacles. Maybe certain mental "illnesses" are useful? I'm certainly not the first person to think so, since I know attention deficit disorder has benefits, such as the ability to multitask and promote creativity.
I know when I was getting over the shock of discovering my pregnancy, that maternal strength really was what freed me. I do believe that my panic mode, while much worse than plausible, was reasonable in a sense.
I did have feelings for my ex, and while I do not know where they faded or were dashed, somehow they were destroyed and I was merely this emotionless husk, only feeling anxiety and depression. I think on an unconscious or subconscious level, whatever love or infatuation I had was killed early on, and since I had no opportunity to examine my feelings, I grasped at this relationship because I felt I had nothing else. With my happiness being broken and beaten, I was slowly being primed for control. My anxiety and depression were the last emotion-like things I could hold on to, since they were truly mine. They were not inspired by another person or anything. They were my own controlled entropy.
Then I found out I was pregnant.
It was no longer just about me. I had this life inside of me to take care of. I had this baby who depended on me to be strong and to be healthy. In that instant, I lived again. I was no longer dead inside, no longer meaningless, no longer allowed to have the luxury of suicide. I had to grow up and think about the future in concrete terms. My ex was going to drag his feet, and I refuse to be the caretaker for a grown man. His friend wanted to control me and break me, and possibly abscond with my child and spread her insanity. That was not allowed.
While I did not realize it at the time, I see now that I allowed so much evil in my heart, so much poison, that I stopped caring about myself. I was nothing but emotional pain. I felt worthless, enough so that suicide, while scary, was inviting.
I reached out for help from my ex, and he pretty much laughed at my pain.
The joke's on him now, because I am free from him. Sure he remains a thought, but there is no sadness connected to him. Only pity, and laughter.
I felt pain at how disappointing he was, at how much of a failure as a person he was, but not on the level of missing him or wanting him back, but that I ever had feelings for such a sad, pathetic person.
Now, I think I'll sleep.
The dissolution of my last romantic relationship, while painful in a strange way, offered the catalyst to get my shit together and prevail, solidifying my stance as a feminist and giving me some keys to understanding myself where I didn't really before. In the interest of avoiding personal backlash, I will not offer the gritty details of my relationship with my ex, but I think it bears some thought. Truth be told, I revisit that entire scenario, abstractedly and directly, more often than I would like. As it plays a strong role in my current situation, and it was only about two months ago that I terminated the relationship, I suppose it is understandable that many things remind me of what happened. Things have gotten better.
One of the things that I've examined, though not extensively, is why I have not experienced a heartbreak. I believe the reason is that the relationship was rough in itself, to the point where I was in a state of perpetual heartbreak. I felt horribly. The world was crumbling around me, to the point where death was an appealing escape route. I'm not sure why I felt the way I did, except that my boyfriend and his friend were treating me horribly, attempting to break me in some way. Yes, that's it. Especially the friend.
I was being subjected to some weird mind control (which I know sounds horrifyingly insane, but sadly, I believe pretty much every form of abuse is a means of breaking someone and molding them into something more malleable) and I was letting it happen. Granted, emotional abuse, especially "gaslighting", is very subtle. Someone skilled enough at manipulating can easily twist things and make a person believe that he/she is truly whatever the manipulating party wants said person to believe. My ex was/is very passive-aggressive, and though he resisted on some level, he also did not stand up for me when I needed support. Of course, I believe he has some very strong misogynistic beliefs. He truly seems to think women are not people but body parts for him to use.
In a way, perhaps the love of structure in one part of my mind and the personal internal chaos residing in the other were able to find some common ground and work to resist what was happening. The anxiety and depression perhaps serve some greater purpose, some helpful purpose, instead of simply being obstacles. Maybe certain mental "illnesses" are useful? I'm certainly not the first person to think so, since I know attention deficit disorder has benefits, such as the ability to multitask and promote creativity.
I know when I was getting over the shock of discovering my pregnancy, that maternal strength really was what freed me. I do believe that my panic mode, while much worse than plausible, was reasonable in a sense.
I did have feelings for my ex, and while I do not know where they faded or were dashed, somehow they were destroyed and I was merely this emotionless husk, only feeling anxiety and depression. I think on an unconscious or subconscious level, whatever love or infatuation I had was killed early on, and since I had no opportunity to examine my feelings, I grasped at this relationship because I felt I had nothing else. With my happiness being broken and beaten, I was slowly being primed for control. My anxiety and depression were the last emotion-like things I could hold on to, since they were truly mine. They were not inspired by another person or anything. They were my own controlled entropy.
Then I found out I was pregnant.
It was no longer just about me. I had this life inside of me to take care of. I had this baby who depended on me to be strong and to be healthy. In that instant, I lived again. I was no longer dead inside, no longer meaningless, no longer allowed to have the luxury of suicide. I had to grow up and think about the future in concrete terms. My ex was going to drag his feet, and I refuse to be the caretaker for a grown man. His friend wanted to control me and break me, and possibly abscond with my child and spread her insanity. That was not allowed.
While I did not realize it at the time, I see now that I allowed so much evil in my heart, so much poison, that I stopped caring about myself. I was nothing but emotional pain. I felt worthless, enough so that suicide, while scary, was inviting.
I reached out for help from my ex, and he pretty much laughed at my pain.
The joke's on him now, because I am free from him. Sure he remains a thought, but there is no sadness connected to him. Only pity, and laughter.
I felt pain at how disappointing he was, at how much of a failure as a person he was, but not on the level of missing him or wanting him back, but that I ever had feelings for such a sad, pathetic person.
Now, I think I'll sleep.
Further Down The Rabbit Hole
Do you ever wonder if maybe Wonderland is more of reality than what Alice perceived as reality? I suppose it's relative. Maybe you could argue that Wonderland is really her escape. That's her filter from the harshness of reality, but even there in Wonderland there were various horrors.
I feel like when we open our minds to learning, to seeing the injustice, oppression, and madness that surround us every waking moment, it's removing whatever filters keep us from feeling reality. It's easy to let things go because they are seen as the norm, rather than to question behaviors that feel wrong but persist because we have been taught to believe they are normal. Embracing feminism has really helped remove the filters that society wants to keep there. Privileged oppressors exercise a sort of magic or glamour, similar to when a filter is used on film to make it look like night when it's really the middle of the day.
Each day I research things, I find myself wishing I could discuss serious issues with more people so I could learn from them, and/or possibly teach them something. I've always loved learning. There is so much in the world to learn, and new things are discovered every single day!
Unfortunately, where there is an abundance of resources to learn from and people to discuss these things with, there is also an exceptional amount of people that are persistently oppressive and ignorant. I wish it wasn't so, I truly do, but it is. I see it frequently, and had the misfortune of associating with many of these people when I did not have the knowledge I currently am armed with at my disposal. I simply knew in an abstract sense that things people would say, and even some things I felt and said, were wrong. I would like to think I've learned, and I continue to do so. Socialized behavior is difficult to change, but it is possible.
I watched this video, a discussion between two transgender women who work openly in the media, and it definitely gave me some ground work to learn more about these issues. I am not transgender, and I do not pretend for a moment to fully comprehend anything a transgender person experiences. I do see how these women's experiences reflected the damage ravaging our society. The war on women, on races other than white, on non-heterosexual orientation remains persistent. There has been progress, and with that progress there comes backlash, there comes the right-wing crazies that refuse to abandon the desire to put down anyone who dares to be different, or dares to be comfortable with that difference, who patronize, silence, and abuse anyone who is oppressed.
When we begin to read and research how this oppression came to be, we realize we have this righteous anger, a rightful anger, that fuels our whole being. When we remove the filters that distract us and keep us from seeing the truth, we are rightfully irate at the fact that there exists people with power who want to make anyone who is not privileged enough not count as a human. It is sad, painful, and even now just thinking of it makes me angry. What's worse is that there are those who are members of oppressed groups who actively stand with the oppressors. I am thoroughly convinced that these people are certifiably psychotic, based on the fact that I can't really understand what logic is behind not wanting to allow the freedom to get an abortion, affordable contraception, same-sex marriage, accessible government funding when needed for basic needs, education, and so on.
Two women I remember strongly voicing anti-choice (anti-abortion, specifically) opinions I truly believe are insane. I don't say that to be dismissive, ableist, or anything of the sort. I truly believe they are unstable.
No one but myself has control over my body. Just as I have no control over what someone else choose's to do with their body.
Anyway, there is no real purpose to this post other than to express these thoughts and to help absorb the basic gateway to knowledge upon watching that video. I definitely want to understand the struggles of others, and not be dismissed. I often feel we are pitted against one another, be it within our own group (women versus women, for example) or between other groups. I want to understand my privileges and how I've had it good, just as much as I want others to know their privileges and how things aren't always so good. Getting rid of sexism, racism, homophobia, etc. will help everyone.
It is the mission of activists and advocates to spread the awareness, no matter how much resistance we are met with.
I feel like when we open our minds to learning, to seeing the injustice, oppression, and madness that surround us every waking moment, it's removing whatever filters keep us from feeling reality. It's easy to let things go because they are seen as the norm, rather than to question behaviors that feel wrong but persist because we have been taught to believe they are normal. Embracing feminism has really helped remove the filters that society wants to keep there. Privileged oppressors exercise a sort of magic or glamour, similar to when a filter is used on film to make it look like night when it's really the middle of the day.
Each day I research things, I find myself wishing I could discuss serious issues with more people so I could learn from them, and/or possibly teach them something. I've always loved learning. There is so much in the world to learn, and new things are discovered every single day!
Unfortunately, where there is an abundance of resources to learn from and people to discuss these things with, there is also an exceptional amount of people that are persistently oppressive and ignorant. I wish it wasn't so, I truly do, but it is. I see it frequently, and had the misfortune of associating with many of these people when I did not have the knowledge I currently am armed with at my disposal. I simply knew in an abstract sense that things people would say, and even some things I felt and said, were wrong. I would like to think I've learned, and I continue to do so. Socialized behavior is difficult to change, but it is possible.
I watched this video, a discussion between two transgender women who work openly in the media, and it definitely gave me some ground work to learn more about these issues. I am not transgender, and I do not pretend for a moment to fully comprehend anything a transgender person experiences. I do see how these women's experiences reflected the damage ravaging our society. The war on women, on races other than white, on non-heterosexual orientation remains persistent. There has been progress, and with that progress there comes backlash, there comes the right-wing crazies that refuse to abandon the desire to put down anyone who dares to be different, or dares to be comfortable with that difference, who patronize, silence, and abuse anyone who is oppressed.
When we begin to read and research how this oppression came to be, we realize we have this righteous anger, a rightful anger, that fuels our whole being. When we remove the filters that distract us and keep us from seeing the truth, we are rightfully irate at the fact that there exists people with power who want to make anyone who is not privileged enough not count as a human. It is sad, painful, and even now just thinking of it makes me angry. What's worse is that there are those who are members of oppressed groups who actively stand with the oppressors. I am thoroughly convinced that these people are certifiably psychotic, based on the fact that I can't really understand what logic is behind not wanting to allow the freedom to get an abortion, affordable contraception, same-sex marriage, accessible government funding when needed for basic needs, education, and so on.
Two women I remember strongly voicing anti-choice (anti-abortion, specifically) opinions I truly believe are insane. I don't say that to be dismissive, ableist, or anything of the sort. I truly believe they are unstable.
No one but myself has control over my body. Just as I have no control over what someone else choose's to do with their body.
Anyway, there is no real purpose to this post other than to express these thoughts and to help absorb the basic gateway to knowledge upon watching that video. I definitely want to understand the struggles of others, and not be dismissed. I often feel we are pitted against one another, be it within our own group (women versus women, for example) or between other groups. I want to understand my privileges and how I've had it good, just as much as I want others to know their privileges and how things aren't always so good. Getting rid of sexism, racism, homophobia, etc. will help everyone.
It is the mission of activists and advocates to spread the awareness, no matter how much resistance we are met with.
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