Let's Get Personal (Sort Of)

   Why is it every time I see a person, a thing, or find someone who acts like/reminds me of my ex, I instantly make a disgusted face and cannot find any sympathy for them? Am I really that bitter?
   Like I told my counselor, I think once my baby is born and I can sort out all the shit involved, I will feel better. I can stop worrying or fretting. Still being pregnant and not knowing if he's going to show up out of the blue at some point or something makes me a nervous wreck inside. I feel it like a shadow hanging over my head. I just want to stop feeling that way.
   I feel truly terrible. Mainly because a guy I would never have come across in a million years most likely had posted something about going to go kill himself which was reblogged by someone I follow, and I looked at his blog and he reminded me so much of my ex. I spent a few minutes trying to confirm it was not him. I feel bad because I have no sympathy, or very little of it. I certainly do not want the guy to die, and I sincerely hope he has help. But there was an instant of me simply feeling bitterness because he reminded me excessively of my ex. That's not fair of me to do, and I feel horrible that I still have this resentment. I'm certain it will eventually go away.
   I think if I had some means of venting effectively or getting some sort of solid closure, I would feel better. I know closure is a myth, and as long as I have to have any sort of contact with my ex, I can't fully let go of how I feel. I am no saint by any means, but I feel so wronged in a lot of ways and I feel I need some kind of justice.
   Again, my heart goes out to that guy. I hope he gets help and doesn't actually die.

   Last night was the first presidential debate for the 2012 election. Lately, with the embrace of feminism and the realization of how important it is to know about politics, I've been trying to follow this election as well as possible. In general, politics are a great source of disagreement and conflict between individuals as well as the main two parties.
   The debate was not disappointing so much as simply not expected or what was desired on the part of issues. True, I would have liked to hear more that affect women personally, the middle class, the minorities that Romney inadvertently threw under the bus at the private fundraiser because these places were definite places of hypocrisy, along with immigration and same-sex marriage. Hopefully, with the other debates coming up, more of these things will become topics and perhaps we'll have a more assertive moderator. (Nothing against Jim Lehrer; Romney was on some kind of caffeine or something)
   I personally don't like assigning myself to one party or another. It feels limiting (fuck boundaries!)
   I lean towards the Liberal/Democrat side, and the majority of the Conservative/Republican side I can't logically associate with. Our country has pretty much resigned itself to the two-party system, so third-parties don't get as much attention, promotion, or opportunities to participate. Honestly, I couldn't tell you more than one third-party candidate. I'm not proud of it, but again, the third-parties aren't household names, and I only follow politics as I see them. (What? I'm busy...don't judge me!)
   Anyway, I'm not sure if we'll have much in the way of third-party voting options. I do think our system is heavily flawed, and it is a shame we continuously follow a two-party system that truly limits our abilities as a nation and as a politically savvy population.We're more of a band-wagon mentality, and limited by our own personal limitations. It's easy to vocalize our dissatisfaction, but hard to act upon it.
   I personally don't care who you vote for as long as you vote. True, our system is flawed, but we (especially women and minorities) fought for the right to vote, we fought for freedom, and so on.

An Ode To Idiotic Classmates

   I think my last post was a bit more personal than I intended. No, it definitely was. Of course, only people who were involved or who I have shared more personal details would instantly understand, or at least understand who I am referring to. Whether or not they truly understand what is being expressed is another story.
   Today is the third class I have. Granted, by week standards it is the second, but since I started classes last week, my true first day was Friday. Yesterday was my second class. Overall, I enjoyed it. It was mostly computer use, and getting to demonstrate that I have no life and love to play with computers and formatting things like written documents and make slideshows (I always feel like I'm the only one who loves Powerpoint).  There is one guy in that class, and the one I had Friday, who I've pretty much decided is an idiot and needs to stay away from me. My computer was being a punk, and he, without asking or at least being courteous, came up and began clicking my mouse as if I were the one responsible for the school's shitty computer. Hey, I know I'm not Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, but I think it's a stretch to 1) act like you know more about everything than anyone else, and 2) to invade my personal space so brutishly. Ew. (Plus, bad teeth...major major pet peeve of mine)
   I sincerely hope he doesn't think he's my friend or something. If he touches my computer mouse again, I will say something. Perhaps that will make a bitch or what-have-you in the eyes of my classmates, but hey, if they want to dismiss me for being rightly upset over something (and also, I do have anxiety about people touching me or my tools) then that is there problem. I'm not there to be everyone's friend. I'm there to learn and set up a decent means of financial security for my baby and myself.
   That all being said, I'm considering taking my copy of Full Frontal Feminism to class today. Not to make a point or anything, but because I do want to reread it. Should my classmates interpret that as a statement, well that's really just their insecurity projecting, no?
   Feminism is a scary thing, especially for people that are afraid to entertain the fact that the way they perceive the world around them might be wrong. Considering we are going into a field about criminal sciences, I believe it's crucial to be open-minded enough to challenge yourself as well as others. I've had to check my privileges in the attempts to understand the other issues that do not personally affect me (homophobic and racist things) and to reconsider the things I have casually said or done in the past that is actually wrong.
   I know, I'm rambling.
   The presidential debate is tomorrow! The anticipation is crazy!

I Really Should Be Sleeping

   I know for a fact that I think way more about everything than I should. Interests that range from politics to science to pop culture to baked goods inspire strong emotions no matter what (I'm a very emotional person). I do really need to sleep, since I have class later today, and I should get there fairly early so I can see about getting my student I.D. and everything. Anyway, while this is somewhat personal, this is mostly an expression of thoughts. Then again, every post is an expression of thoughts, but I always feel better when I get thoughts out of my head and put them somewhere else, be it a blog engine or a notebook.
   The dissolution of my last romantic relationship, while painful in a strange way, offered the catalyst to get my shit together and prevail, solidifying my stance as a feminist and giving me some keys to understanding myself where I didn't really before. In the interest of avoiding personal backlash, I will not offer the gritty details of my relationship with my ex, but I think it bears some thought. Truth be told, I revisit that entire scenario, abstractedly and directly, more often than I would like. As it plays a strong role in my current situation, and it was only about two months ago that I terminated the relationship, I suppose it is understandable that many things remind me of what happened. Things have gotten better.
   One of the things that I've examined, though not extensively, is why I have not experienced a heartbreak. I believe the reason is that the relationship was rough in itself, to the point where I was in a state of perpetual heartbreak. I felt horribly. The world was crumbling around me, to the point where death was an appealing escape route. I'm not sure why I felt the way I did, except that my boyfriend and his friend were treating me horribly, attempting to break me in some way. Yes, that's it. Especially the friend.
   I was being subjected to some weird mind control (which I know sounds horrifyingly insane, but sadly, I believe pretty much every form of abuse is a means of breaking someone and molding them into something more malleable) and I was letting it happen. Granted, emotional abuse, especially "gaslighting", is very subtle. Someone skilled enough at manipulating can easily twist things and make a person believe that he/she is truly whatever the manipulating party wants said person to believe. My ex was/is very passive-aggressive, and though he resisted on some level, he also did not stand up for me when I needed support. Of course, I believe he has some very strong misogynistic beliefs. He truly seems to think women are not people but body parts for him to use.
   In a way, perhaps the love of structure in one part of my mind and the personal internal chaos residing in the other were able to find some common ground and work to resist what was happening. The anxiety and depression perhaps serve some greater purpose, some helpful purpose, instead of simply being obstacles. Maybe certain mental "illnesses" are useful? I'm certainly not the first person to think so, since I know attention deficit disorder has benefits, such as the ability to multitask and promote creativity.
   I know when I was getting over the shock of discovering my pregnancy, that maternal strength really was what freed me. I do believe that my panic mode, while much worse than plausible, was reasonable in a sense.
   I did have feelings for my ex, and while I do not know where they faded or were dashed, somehow they were destroyed and I was merely this emotionless husk, only feeling anxiety and depression. I think on an unconscious or subconscious level, whatever love or infatuation I had was killed early on, and since I had no opportunity to examine my feelings, I grasped at this relationship because I felt I had nothing else. With my happiness being broken and beaten, I was slowly being primed for control. My anxiety and depression were the last emotion-like things I could hold on to, since they were truly mine. They were not inspired by another person or anything. They were my own controlled entropy.
   Then I found out I was pregnant.
   It was no longer just about me. I had this life inside of me to take care of. I had this baby who depended on me to be strong and to be healthy. In that instant, I lived again. I was no longer dead inside, no longer meaningless, no longer allowed to have the luxury of suicide. I had to grow up and think about the future in concrete terms. My ex was going to drag his feet, and I refuse to be the caretaker for a grown man. His friend wanted to control me and break me, and possibly abscond with my child and spread her insanity. That was not allowed.
   While I did not realize it at the time, I see now that I allowed so much evil in my heart, so much poison, that I stopped caring about myself. I was nothing but emotional pain. I felt worthless, enough so that suicide, while scary, was inviting.
   I reached out for help from my ex, and he pretty much laughed at my pain.
   The joke's on him now, because I am free from him. Sure he remains a thought, but there is no sadness connected to him. Only pity, and laughter.
   I felt pain at how disappointing he was, at how much of a failure as a person he was, but not on the level of missing him or wanting him back, but that I ever had feelings for such a sad, pathetic person.
   Now, I think I'll sleep.

Further Down The Rabbit Hole

   Do you ever wonder if maybe Wonderland is more of reality than what Alice perceived as reality? I suppose it's relative. Maybe you could argue that Wonderland is really her escape. That's her filter from the harshness of reality, but even there in Wonderland there were various horrors.
   I feel like when we open our minds to learning, to seeing the injustice, oppression, and madness that surround us every waking moment, it's removing whatever filters keep us from feeling reality. It's easy to let things go because they are seen as the norm, rather than to question behaviors that feel wrong but persist because we have been taught to believe they are normal. Embracing feminism has really helped remove the filters that society wants to keep there. Privileged oppressors exercise a sort of magic or glamour, similar to when a filter is used on film to make it look like night when it's really the middle of the day.
   Each day I research things, I find myself wishing I could discuss serious issues with more people so I could learn from them, and/or possibly teach them something. I've always loved learning. There is so much in the world to learn, and new things are discovered every single day!
   Unfortunately, where there is an abundance of resources to learn from and people to discuss these things with, there is also an exceptional amount of people that are persistently oppressive and ignorant. I wish it wasn't so, I truly do, but it is. I see it frequently, and had the misfortune of associating with many of these people when I did not have the knowledge I currently am armed with at my disposal. I simply knew in an abstract sense that things people would say, and even some things I felt and said, were wrong. I would like to think I've learned, and I continue to do so. Socialized behavior is difficult to change, but it is possible.
   I watched this video, a discussion between two transgender women who work openly in the media, and it definitely gave me some ground work to learn more about these issues. I am not transgender, and I do not pretend for a moment to fully comprehend anything a transgender person experiences. I do see how these women's experiences reflected the damage ravaging our society. The war on women, on races other than white, on non-heterosexual orientation remains persistent. There has been progress, and with that progress there comes backlash, there comes the right-wing crazies that refuse to abandon the desire to put down anyone who dares to be different, or dares to be comfortable with that difference, who patronize, silence, and abuse anyone who is oppressed.
   When we begin to read and research how this oppression came to be, we realize we have this righteous anger, a rightful anger, that fuels our whole being. When we remove the filters that distract us and keep us from seeing the truth, we are rightfully irate at the fact that there exists people with power who want to make anyone who is not privileged enough not count as a human. It is sad, painful, and even now just thinking of it makes me angry. What's worse is that there are those who are members of oppressed groups who actively stand with the oppressors. I am thoroughly convinced that these people are certifiably psychotic, based on the fact that I can't really understand what logic is behind not wanting to allow the freedom to get an abortion, affordable contraception, same-sex marriage, accessible government funding when needed for basic needs, education, and so on.
   Two women I remember strongly voicing anti-choice (anti-abortion, specifically) opinions I truly believe are insane. I don't say that to be dismissive, ableist, or anything of the sort. I truly believe they are unstable.
   No one but myself has control over my body. Just as I have no control over what someone else choose's to do with their body.
   Anyway, there is no real purpose to this post other than to express these thoughts and to help absorb the basic gateway to knowledge upon watching that video. I definitely want to understand the struggles of others, and not be dismissed. I often feel we are pitted against one another, be it within our own group (women versus women, for example) or between other groups. I want to understand my privileges and how I've had it good, just as much as I want others to know their privileges and how things aren't always so good. Getting rid of sexism, racism, homophobia, etc. will help everyone.
   It is the mission of activists and advocates to spread the awareness, no matter how much resistance we are met with.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

   Relationships, in a word, suck. Lately, when I have time and the ability to focus (simultaneously) I've been reading this lovely book called Outdated which is a dating advice book written by a feminist. So far, I love it. It definitely takes all those patriarchal driven dating advice books that are oh-so-popular and sheds light where members of the dating world are often left, stumbling, in the dark. I highly recommend it for, oh, anyone.
   Having only ended a relationship about a month and some change ago, it's really helped to find the articles and books that, while harsh, instantly make the things we feel and do that really made no sense suddenly make sense. I really don't want to go into too much detail, or rather I'm not going to go into detail about my previous relationship. It sucked, I hated how I felt during the course of it, and in the end I ended it. I don't regret the relationship (although there are times I wish I hadn't let things slide) since it taught me a lot of things and gave me some concrete evidence about things.
   Currently, we live in a society (at least in the US that I am aware of) that celebrates relationships, or perhaps coerces relationships. I think the majority of the people I know are in relationships, some of which are not happy or would rather be unhappy in a relationship than dare to be single. We are taught that being single is completely synonymous with being alone, being a failure, being invisible, and so on. While I have often let things slide and ignored tell-tale red flags, I do believe that it's better to be single and love yourself than in a relationship that makes you feel like garbage. Relationships can be wonderful when there is mutual love and respect, but unfortunately due to socialized gender roles, internalized misogyny, and rape culture, sometimes we get those idiots that just don't get it. Not to mention the passive-aggressive, lazy, misinformed, and downright cruel-but-with-good-intent types.
   I'm no expert, nor would I ever call myself one. I feel like I've observed enough to get a good idea where I myself need to grow and learn. I think one of my favorite occurrences is finding that person that feels like the perpetual victim. Those are fun.
   Relationships are only as complicated as we make them out to be. Perhaps it's merely I look at things from this logical way, and with the combined fun of having complications in my head that I have to sift through daily like psychological white noise, I love order in my external endeavors. This is a fairly new thought, though. I was notorious for allowing the complications in my head to further complicate the world around me. Now I see that in the midst of chaos, order is ever-present and necessary. Perhaps this is why I enjoy math and science.
   Anyway, I've lost my train of thought. Darn easily distracted brain.

Give Me A Warm Cat

   I find I always sleep better with a cat nearby, preferably one who is also sleeping. I've often found that touching a small furry creature is much more reassuring than sleeping with a human. Is that odd?
   There's something primal about animal companions. The soft touch of a warm, fuzzy pelt under your fingers as you sleep or even just sit and work on other things. Animals and humans have been close for ages, even though most people don't really appreciate animals. Generally, they are seen as things. Objects designed for work or entertainment.
   I think if given a choice between sleeping with a person or some kind of animal, I'd pick the animal every time. Of course, humans are strangely much more needy (provided you think that's strange; I do). They seem to want to take up space, feel more secure, and so on. Animals usually just seek comfort and warm bodies, with fewer psychological motives (or at least less severe ones).

An Informal Introduction

   I figured it would be much better to write something rather than sit here refreshing Tumblr and wanting to express random thoughts, but not enough to let my Facebook friends know what I'm thinking or feeling. Hopefully I have enough time before I need to plug in my laptop once more. Darn battery time.
   Probably due to my limited amounts of energy, and my heavy expenditure of it yesterday what with grocery shopping and pie making (which I had an additional piece of about an hour ago. It was still delicious) I find myself still tired even after my daily post-morning nap. It's probably due to the fact I decided to only have the majority of one cup of coffee rather than my usual two or three.
   Not that after some time of my constant yammering, you wouldn't manage to pain a picture of who I am, personality-wise, but I figured it might be good to offer up some kind of introduction, or summary of myself. Hopefully I don't come off as anything negative, but I'm a firm believer in the basic fact that people are generally a judgmental lot, and sadly opt for the negative things. Whether just as a socialized automatic response or some kind of projection of one's own insecurities, or some combination, I accept this as something that hopefully will one day stop but currently I must bear.
   Let's see, where to start. Well, I'm currently twenty-three, and will turn twenty-four in November. I was born in Maryland, but the majority of my childhood was in Japan and later in Virginia Beach. To be honest, I'm never sure what to say about myself. I feel like my life is not very exciting, or it's really disappointing. Sometimes it seems other people find it far more interesting, or scary.
   I say scary because a lot of not-so-great things have occurred in my life, from shortly after I was born to now. Perhaps I've simply come to a point in my life where I'm really tired of talking about these things. I don't want to sound like I'm seeking some kind of pity or validation, except maybe in the instances where I wonder if what's happening is truly terrible or if I'm just crazy. If your first assumption is that I'm crazy, well I do experience anxiety and depression, and I do have ADD. I'm starting to really think there's some sort of mild agoraphobia/paranoia going on as well. My head often feels like a scary and dangerous place where nightmares fester and dreams go to die.
   My mother and I are very close, and while we don't really understand each other sometimes, we remain close. We've had our rough moments, which are often made rougher by people trying to intervene for some weird reason, but we remain close. My mother is excited about my little baby on the way.
   I'm currently single, and since I'm pregnant (now becoming more noticeably so) I'm not looking for anything new in the relationship world. Though, admittedly, I do want to find a good relationship eventually. Preferably a good, well-adjusted, pro-feminist guy who is cute, smart, and okay with the whole two for the price of one deal (considering I have a baby on the way). I dare to dream.
   In other important-yet-not-that-important things, I'm a vegan. I really love food. My cats are like my other babies, even though they can be evil and manipulative at times. Even right now, I'm considering having another piece of pie, or possibly making pasta with vegan Italian sausage.
   My computer just told me there's only 10% battery left.
   Another thing. I watch the show "Friends" a lot, and I have a mad crush on Chandler (and Mike who comes in later) and I loathe Ross to the very core of my being.
   Later, world of readers.

What Can I Tell You?

   So, I found a Blogger app on my iPhone, so when I get more motivated I can draw pictures there and post them here simultaneously, or just email them to myself so I can clean them up if necessary. I don't know.
   My first class is tomorrow evening! I'm excited. My mother is happy. I feel like this is going to work out well. Even if I don't make tons of new friends, I'll be on my way to getting a better job that I can actually do. Of course, as the end of my pregnancy approaches, I'm also apprehensive about the things I have to do after the baby is born. I won't go into detail though. I actually deleted my Tumblr posts talking more about the issues surrounding that whole deal.
   Something I will write about though: Recently, I've noted how I've changed. (Yes, I meant to say noted)
   Good changes, of course. At least, I think so. I check Facebook still with fair frequency, but it's mostly like checking sports scores or something. I don't feel very invested. It's like perusing the newspaper without reading the articles in depth.
   I can relate to the main character in Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere. I could try to go back to how things were before. Before I became pregnant, before I embraced feminism, and before I saw just how much crap I've endured. I could try, I could try very hard, but it would be like trying to fit into something that, no matter what you do, just doesn't fit anymore. I'm not sad about it. Perhaps I mourn some sort of loss inside of myself, some loss of innocence or something, but I know that with each death, be it true death or simply the death of one version of ourselves, we must move forward and embrace the future. I can't go back to who I was or the life I lived, and I don't want to. That person is gone. She can't come back. I'm excited about the future though. I'm excited about being a parent, even if it doesn't seem like it. I think once I realized my fears and anxieties, I find, while the fears are still there, I can handle them better.
   I'm starting to get a little distracted (darn Boy Meets World) so I shall end this post today. Maybe I'll post another later. I may take a nap.
   Let me just wrap up my initial thoughts: I feel like I've gone down this path, even though I sort of stumbled upon it without meaning to, and I'm finding while it was not my initial choice, I enjoy it and where it will take me. I think I've outgrown some of the people I consider friends though. Mainly in that we seem to want and care about different things. I suppose that's just the way life is.
   I can't wait for my baby to be born. I think for one of the very times (or possibly the very first time) I look forward to the future.

A Wild Blog Appeared!

   Right so, after reading through one of my favorite blogs and joyously riding what can only be described as an "accomplishment high," I felt like starting to write again. Granted, I had been writing by hand in a lovely composition notebook lately, which I have actually been neglecting. Although, I mainly was writing in that notebook to get out some of my angry thoughts.
   Hopefully I don't get too derailed. I have ADD, anxiety, mild depression (which has been much much better as of late) and I'm starting to think I have a mild agoraphobia. About half of those are self-diagnosed, the rest are professionally diagnosed. It doesn't help that I'm about six months pregnant right now, so I can't take the medication I was taking. I must say, in spite of my insane worrying over the whole "Holy crap I'm going to be a single parent!" madness, I'm doing quite well. I'm actually going to class, starting this Friday (yay!) for Criminal Justice and Forensics at ITT Tech, and I'm really looking forward to it. At the very least, I'm doing something with myself, so I'm not just sitting on this couch, feeling sorry for myself about everything, and believing myself to be a total failure.
   I'm starting to think I can write with more ease on this blogging engine rather than Tumblr. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Tumblr. It's not so much about blog posts as it is about random pictures of kittens and food. Of course, lately I've been following a good number of blogs that cover various issues such as fat phobia, racism, sexism, etc. so I've seen a lot of anger. I understand the anger, and I think it's a good thing to be angry and let it out (in healthy ways, at best) but I think sometimes I find it overwhelming (my issue, no one else's) so I have to leave and decompress.
   God, this is boring. Sorry. I'm just rambling. Hopefully, no one accuses me of copying anyone else, but I want to tell stories and incorporate pictures, like comics or doodles. For now, here is a picture of the pie I made today:

   It's vegan! It's also incredibly delicious, but it's crazy rich. Maybe I should post the recipe at some point? Really, it's pretty easy. I just found a regular recipe for a chocolate French silk pie and replaces the non-vegan ingredients with vegan alternatives. I bought an Oreo cookie crust as well, because it's delicious. Also, the topping (which is what you can actually see here) is coconut cream that's been whisked with a mixer and I mixed in a tablespoon of vanilla extract to cut the coconut flavor down (you can also use powdered sugar).
   The main reason I made this concoction was I suddenly had a craving for a French silk pie. I managed to summon enough energy to whip one up, and my mom (who doesn't enjoy sweets at all) said it was really good.
   Anyway, to conclude, I will try to update this more with more interesting stories and thoughts (and more pictures) so stay tuned! (I hear crickets)