Relationships, in a word, suck. Lately, when I have time and the ability to focus (simultaneously) I've been reading this lovely book called Outdated which is a dating advice book written by a feminist. So far, I love it. It definitely takes all those patriarchal driven dating advice books that are oh-so-popular and sheds light where members of the dating world are often left, stumbling, in the dark. I highly recommend it for, oh, anyone.
Having only ended a relationship about a month and some change ago, it's really helped to find the articles and books that, while harsh, instantly make the things we feel and do that really made no sense suddenly make sense. I really don't want to go into too much detail, or rather I'm not going to go into detail about my previous relationship. It sucked, I hated how I felt during the course of it, and in the end I ended it. I don't regret the relationship (although there are times I wish I hadn't let things slide) since it taught me a lot of things and gave me some concrete evidence about things.
Currently, we live in a society (at least in the US that I am aware of) that celebrates relationships, or perhaps coerces relationships. I think the majority of the people I know are in relationships, some of which are not happy or would rather be unhappy in a relationship than dare to be single. We are taught that being single is completely synonymous with being alone, being a failure, being invisible, and so on. While I have often let things slide and ignored tell-tale red flags, I do believe that it's better to be single and love yourself than in a relationship that makes you feel like garbage. Relationships can be wonderful when there is mutual love and respect, but unfortunately due to socialized gender roles, internalized misogyny, and rape culture, sometimes we get those idiots that just don't get it. Not to mention the passive-aggressive, lazy, misinformed, and downright cruel-but-with-good-intent types.
I'm no expert, nor would I ever call myself one. I feel like I've observed enough to get a good idea where I myself need to grow and learn. I think one of my favorite occurrences is finding that person that feels like the perpetual victim. Those are fun.
Relationships are only as complicated as we make them out to be. Perhaps it's merely I look at things from this logical way, and with the combined fun of having complications in my head that I have to sift through daily like psychological white noise, I love order in my external endeavors. This is a fairly new thought, though. I was notorious for allowing the complications in my head to further complicate the world around me. Now I see that in the midst of chaos, order is ever-present and necessary. Perhaps this is why I enjoy math and science.
Anyway, I've lost my train of thought. Darn easily distracted brain.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Give Me A Warm Cat
I find I always sleep better with a cat nearby, preferably one who is also sleeping. I've often found that touching a small furry creature is much more reassuring than sleeping with a human. Is that odd?
There's something primal about animal companions. The soft touch of a warm, fuzzy pelt under your fingers as you sleep or even just sit and work on other things. Animals and humans have been close for ages, even though most people don't really appreciate animals. Generally, they are seen as things. Objects designed for work or entertainment.
I think if given a choice between sleeping with a person or some kind of animal, I'd pick the animal every time. Of course, humans are strangely much more needy (provided you think that's strange; I do). They seem to want to take up space, feel more secure, and so on. Animals usually just seek comfort and warm bodies, with fewer psychological motives (or at least less severe ones).
There's something primal about animal companions. The soft touch of a warm, fuzzy pelt under your fingers as you sleep or even just sit and work on other things. Animals and humans have been close for ages, even though most people don't really appreciate animals. Generally, they are seen as things. Objects designed for work or entertainment.
I think if given a choice between sleeping with a person or some kind of animal, I'd pick the animal every time. Of course, humans are strangely much more needy (provided you think that's strange; I do). They seem to want to take up space, feel more secure, and so on. Animals usually just seek comfort and warm bodies, with fewer psychological motives (or at least less severe ones).
Thursday, September 27, 2012
An Informal Introduction
I figured it would be much better to write something rather than sit here refreshing Tumblr and wanting to express random thoughts, but not enough to let my Facebook friends know what I'm thinking or feeling. Hopefully I have enough time before I need to plug in my laptop once more. Darn battery time.
Probably due to my limited amounts of energy, and my heavy expenditure of it yesterday what with grocery shopping and pie making (which I had an additional piece of about an hour ago. It was still delicious) I find myself still tired even after my daily post-morning nap. It's probably due to the fact I decided to only have the majority of one cup of coffee rather than my usual two or three.
Not that after some time of my constant yammering, you wouldn't manage to pain a picture of who I am, personality-wise, but I figured it might be good to offer up some kind of introduction, or summary of myself. Hopefully I don't come off as anything negative, but I'm a firm believer in the basic fact that people are generally a judgmental lot, and sadly opt for the negative things. Whether just as a socialized automatic response or some kind of projection of one's own insecurities, or some combination, I accept this as something that hopefully will one day stop but currently I must bear.
Let's see, where to start. Well, I'm currently twenty-three, and will turn twenty-four in November. I was born in Maryland, but the majority of my childhood was in Japan and later in Virginia Beach. To be honest, I'm never sure what to say about myself. I feel like my life is not very exciting, or it's really disappointing. Sometimes it seems other people find it far more interesting, or scary.
I say scary because a lot of not-so-great things have occurred in my life, from shortly after I was born to now. Perhaps I've simply come to a point in my life where I'm really tired of talking about these things. I don't want to sound like I'm seeking some kind of pity or validation, except maybe in the instances where I wonder if what's happening is truly terrible or if I'm just crazy. If your first assumption is that I'm crazy, well I do experience anxiety and depression, and I do have ADD. I'm starting to really think there's some sort of mild agoraphobia/paranoia going on as well. My head often feels like a scary and dangerous place where nightmares fester and dreams go to die.
My mother and I are very close, and while we don't really understand each other sometimes, we remain close. We've had our rough moments, which are often made rougher by people trying to intervene for some weird reason, but we remain close. My mother is excited about my little baby on the way.
I'm currently single, and since I'm pregnant (now becoming more noticeably so) I'm not looking for anything new in the relationship world. Though, admittedly, I do want to find a good relationship eventually. Preferably a good, well-adjusted, pro-feminist guy who is cute, smart, and okay with the whole two for the price of one deal (considering I have a baby on the way). I dare to dream.
In other important-yet-not-that-important things, I'm a vegan. I really love food. My cats are like my other babies, even though they can be evil and manipulative at times. Even right now, I'm considering having another piece of pie, or possibly making pasta with vegan Italian sausage.
My computer just told me there's only 10% battery left.
Another thing. I watch the show "Friends" a lot, and I have a mad crush on Chandler (and Mike who comes in later) and I loathe Ross to the very core of my being.
Later, world of readers.
Probably due to my limited amounts of energy, and my heavy expenditure of it yesterday what with grocery shopping and pie making (which I had an additional piece of about an hour ago. It was still delicious) I find myself still tired even after my daily post-morning nap. It's probably due to the fact I decided to only have the majority of one cup of coffee rather than my usual two or three.
Not that after some time of my constant yammering, you wouldn't manage to pain a picture of who I am, personality-wise, but I figured it might be good to offer up some kind of introduction, or summary of myself. Hopefully I don't come off as anything negative, but I'm a firm believer in the basic fact that people are generally a judgmental lot, and sadly opt for the negative things. Whether just as a socialized automatic response or some kind of projection of one's own insecurities, or some combination, I accept this as something that hopefully will one day stop but currently I must bear.
Let's see, where to start. Well, I'm currently twenty-three, and will turn twenty-four in November. I was born in Maryland, but the majority of my childhood was in Japan and later in Virginia Beach. To be honest, I'm never sure what to say about myself. I feel like my life is not very exciting, or it's really disappointing. Sometimes it seems other people find it far more interesting, or scary.
I say scary because a lot of not-so-great things have occurred in my life, from shortly after I was born to now. Perhaps I've simply come to a point in my life where I'm really tired of talking about these things. I don't want to sound like I'm seeking some kind of pity or validation, except maybe in the instances where I wonder if what's happening is truly terrible or if I'm just crazy. If your first assumption is that I'm crazy, well I do experience anxiety and depression, and I do have ADD. I'm starting to really think there's some sort of mild agoraphobia/paranoia going on as well. My head often feels like a scary and dangerous place where nightmares fester and dreams go to die.
My mother and I are very close, and while we don't really understand each other sometimes, we remain close. We've had our rough moments, which are often made rougher by people trying to intervene for some weird reason, but we remain close. My mother is excited about my little baby on the way.
I'm currently single, and since I'm pregnant (now becoming more noticeably so) I'm not looking for anything new in the relationship world. Though, admittedly, I do want to find a good relationship eventually. Preferably a good, well-adjusted, pro-feminist guy who is cute, smart, and okay with the whole two for the price of one deal (considering I have a baby on the way). I dare to dream.
In other important-yet-not-that-important things, I'm a vegan. I really love food. My cats are like my other babies, even though they can be evil and manipulative at times. Even right now, I'm considering having another piece of pie, or possibly making pasta with vegan Italian sausage.
My computer just told me there's only 10% battery left.
Another thing. I watch the show "Friends" a lot, and I have a mad crush on Chandler (and Mike who comes in later) and I loathe Ross to the very core of my being.
Later, world of readers.
What Can I Tell You?
So, I found a Blogger app on my iPhone, so when I get more motivated I can draw pictures there and post them here simultaneously, or just email them to myself so I can clean them up if necessary. I don't know.
My first class is tomorrow evening! I'm excited. My mother is happy. I feel like this is going to work out well. Even if I don't make tons of new friends, I'll be on my way to getting a better job that I can actually do. Of course, as the end of my pregnancy approaches, I'm also apprehensive about the things I have to do after the baby is born. I won't go into detail though. I actually deleted my Tumblr posts talking more about the issues surrounding that whole deal.
Something I will write about though: Recently, I've noted how I've changed. (Yes, I meant to say noted)
Good changes, of course. At least, I think so. I check Facebook still with fair frequency, but it's mostly like checking sports scores or something. I don't feel very invested. It's like perusing the newspaper without reading the articles in depth.
I can relate to the main character in Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere. I could try to go back to how things were before. Before I became pregnant, before I embraced feminism, and before I saw just how much crap I've endured. I could try, I could try very hard, but it would be like trying to fit into something that, no matter what you do, just doesn't fit anymore. I'm not sad about it. Perhaps I mourn some sort of loss inside of myself, some loss of innocence or something, but I know that with each death, be it true death or simply the death of one version of ourselves, we must move forward and embrace the future. I can't go back to who I was or the life I lived, and I don't want to. That person is gone. She can't come back. I'm excited about the future though. I'm excited about being a parent, even if it doesn't seem like it. I think once I realized my fears and anxieties, I find, while the fears are still there, I can handle them better.
I'm starting to get a little distracted (darn Boy Meets World) so I shall end this post today. Maybe I'll post another later. I may take a nap.
Let me just wrap up my initial thoughts: I feel like I've gone down this path, even though I sort of stumbled upon it without meaning to, and I'm finding while it was not my initial choice, I enjoy it and where it will take me. I think I've outgrown some of the people I consider friends though. Mainly in that we seem to want and care about different things. I suppose that's just the way life is.
I can't wait for my baby to be born. I think for one of the very times (or possibly the very first time) I look forward to the future.
My first class is tomorrow evening! I'm excited. My mother is happy. I feel like this is going to work out well. Even if I don't make tons of new friends, I'll be on my way to getting a better job that I can actually do. Of course, as the end of my pregnancy approaches, I'm also apprehensive about the things I have to do after the baby is born. I won't go into detail though. I actually deleted my Tumblr posts talking more about the issues surrounding that whole deal.
Something I will write about though: Recently, I've noted how I've changed. (Yes, I meant to say noted)
Good changes, of course. At least, I think so. I check Facebook still with fair frequency, but it's mostly like checking sports scores or something. I don't feel very invested. It's like perusing the newspaper without reading the articles in depth.
I can relate to the main character in Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere. I could try to go back to how things were before. Before I became pregnant, before I embraced feminism, and before I saw just how much crap I've endured. I could try, I could try very hard, but it would be like trying to fit into something that, no matter what you do, just doesn't fit anymore. I'm not sad about it. Perhaps I mourn some sort of loss inside of myself, some loss of innocence or something, but I know that with each death, be it true death or simply the death of one version of ourselves, we must move forward and embrace the future. I can't go back to who I was or the life I lived, and I don't want to. That person is gone. She can't come back. I'm excited about the future though. I'm excited about being a parent, even if it doesn't seem like it. I think once I realized my fears and anxieties, I find, while the fears are still there, I can handle them better.
I'm starting to get a little distracted (darn Boy Meets World) so I shall end this post today. Maybe I'll post another later. I may take a nap.
Let me just wrap up my initial thoughts: I feel like I've gone down this path, even though I sort of stumbled upon it without meaning to, and I'm finding while it was not my initial choice, I enjoy it and where it will take me. I think I've outgrown some of the people I consider friends though. Mainly in that we seem to want and care about different things. I suppose that's just the way life is.
I can't wait for my baby to be born. I think for one of the very times (or possibly the very first time) I look forward to the future.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
A Wild Blog Appeared!
Right so, after reading through one of my favorite blogs and joyously riding what can only be described as an "accomplishment high," I felt like starting to write again. Granted, I had been writing by hand in a lovely composition notebook lately, which I have actually been neglecting. Although, I mainly was writing in that notebook to get out some of my angry thoughts.
Hopefully I don't get too derailed. I have ADD, anxiety, mild depression (which has been much much better as of late) and I'm starting to think I have a mild agoraphobia. About half of those are self-diagnosed, the rest are professionally diagnosed. It doesn't help that I'm about six months pregnant right now, so I can't take the medication I was taking. I must say, in spite of my insane worrying over the whole "Holy crap I'm going to be a single parent!" madness, I'm doing quite well. I'm actually going to class, starting this Friday (yay!) for Criminal Justice and Forensics at ITT Tech, and I'm really looking forward to it. At the very least, I'm doing something with myself, so I'm not just sitting on this couch, feeling sorry for myself about everything, and believing myself to be a total failure.
I'm starting to think I can write with more ease on this blogging engine rather than Tumblr. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Tumblr. It's not so much about blog posts as it is about random pictures of kittens and food. Of course, lately I've been following a good number of blogs that cover various issues such as fat phobia, racism, sexism, etc. so I've seen a lot of anger. I understand the anger, and I think it's a good thing to be angry and let it out (in healthy ways, at best) but I think sometimes I find it overwhelming (my issue, no one else's) so I have to leave and decompress.
God, this is boring. Sorry. I'm just rambling. Hopefully, no one accuses me of copying anyone else, but I want to tell stories and incorporate pictures, like comics or doodles. For now, here is a picture of the pie I made today:
It's vegan! It's also incredibly delicious, but it's crazy rich. Maybe I should post the recipe at some point? Really, it's pretty easy. I just found a regular recipe for a chocolate French silk pie and replaces the non-vegan ingredients with vegan alternatives. I bought an Oreo cookie crust as well, because it's delicious. Also, the topping (which is what you can actually see here) is coconut cream that's been whisked with a mixer and I mixed in a tablespoon of vanilla extract to cut the coconut flavor down (you can also use powdered sugar).
The main reason I made this concoction was I suddenly had a craving for a French silk pie. I managed to summon enough energy to whip one up, and my mom (who doesn't enjoy sweets at all) said it was really good.
Anyway, to conclude, I will try to update this more with more interesting stories and thoughts (and more pictures) so stay tuned! (I hear crickets)
Hopefully I don't get too derailed. I have ADD, anxiety, mild depression (which has been much much better as of late) and I'm starting to think I have a mild agoraphobia. About half of those are self-diagnosed, the rest are professionally diagnosed. It doesn't help that I'm about six months pregnant right now, so I can't take the medication I was taking. I must say, in spite of my insane worrying over the whole "Holy crap I'm going to be a single parent!" madness, I'm doing quite well. I'm actually going to class, starting this Friday (yay!) for Criminal Justice and Forensics at ITT Tech, and I'm really looking forward to it. At the very least, I'm doing something with myself, so I'm not just sitting on this couch, feeling sorry for myself about everything, and believing myself to be a total failure.
I'm starting to think I can write with more ease on this blogging engine rather than Tumblr. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Tumblr. It's not so much about blog posts as it is about random pictures of kittens and food. Of course, lately I've been following a good number of blogs that cover various issues such as fat phobia, racism, sexism, etc. so I've seen a lot of anger. I understand the anger, and I think it's a good thing to be angry and let it out (in healthy ways, at best) but I think sometimes I find it overwhelming (my issue, no one else's) so I have to leave and decompress.
God, this is boring. Sorry. I'm just rambling. Hopefully, no one accuses me of copying anyone else, but I want to tell stories and incorporate pictures, like comics or doodles. For now, here is a picture of the pie I made today:
It's vegan! It's also incredibly delicious, but it's crazy rich. Maybe I should post the recipe at some point? Really, it's pretty easy. I just found a regular recipe for a chocolate French silk pie and replaces the non-vegan ingredients with vegan alternatives. I bought an Oreo cookie crust as well, because it's delicious. Also, the topping (which is what you can actually see here) is coconut cream that's been whisked with a mixer and I mixed in a tablespoon of vanilla extract to cut the coconut flavor down (you can also use powdered sugar).
The main reason I made this concoction was I suddenly had a craving for a French silk pie. I managed to summon enough energy to whip one up, and my mom (who doesn't enjoy sweets at all) said it was really good.
Anyway, to conclude, I will try to update this more with more interesting stories and thoughts (and more pictures) so stay tuned! (I hear crickets)
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